"THE CHAMPAGNE'S"

BACKGROUND    SYNOPSIS    CAST    SCRIPT     THEME SONG

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BACKGROUND

     REX and MARGO CHAMPAGNE, movie stars of the 70's live comfortably, not in Beverly Hills as one might expect, but on the other side of the Santa Monica Mountains in the San Fernando Valley, in fashionable Encino, California.
     Living with them are their two children, ANTHONY, 19, a wannabe rock and roll guitar player and his sister PEGGY, 21, an aspiring actress/model.
     Handsome, distinguished, and somewhat pompous at times, Rex Champagne has not made a movie in Hollywood for over twenty-years and, "Damn proud of it!" - "I'm not taking my clothes off for anyone!" During that time, he has starred on the daytime television soap opera "Major Surgery," in the roll of narcissistic Dr. R.L. Hand, chief cosmetic surgeon at Beverly Hills Creative Hospital, the "Hospital of the Stars."
    Fun-loving Margo Champagne has retired completely from acting and is constantly getting involved in some zany new cause, project, or hobby which is always short-lived. In this show, she is obsessed with astrology and appears as a guest on the "Psychic's Show."
     Peggy pursues her actress/model career, but believes she has an "Invisible Curse" -- she only gets parts that show her nose, toes, eyes, ears, footprints, her derriere in designer jeans, and every part of her body...except her face.
     Anthony pursues his dream of rock and roll stardom while creatively devising ways to avoid Rex's unrelenting demands to, "Get a straight job," or "Get married!"

To Top

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SYNOPSIS - 1st Show

"DON'T MESS WITH MOTHER COSMOS"

ACT ONE

SCENE A

FADE IN:

INT. DINING ROOM - MORNING
(Rex, Margo, Anthony, Peggy)

MARGO DRINKING COFFEE AS SHE READS THE NEWSPAPER. ASTROLOGY BOOKS LAY STACKED ON THE TABLE AND A LARGE ZODIAC CHART HANGS ON THE WALL. A TELESCOPE STANDS NEARBY. SOMETHING CATCHES HER EYE AND SHE LOOKS CLOSER AT THE NEWSPAPER. A TROUBLED LOOK SHOWS ON HER FACE AND SHE SHAKES HER HEAD.

MARGO

Oh, no! Mother Cosmos is predicting a disaster
for all Tau ruses today -- and Rex is a Taurus.

WHISTLING HAPPILY, REX WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS FROM THE SECOND FLOOR INTO THE LIVING ROOM. HE KISSES MARGO ON THE CHEEK AND SEES HER TROUBLED EXPRESSION.

REX

Good morning, Margo. I can tell by the
look on your face that Mother Cosmos
has shot another meteor from the
heavens at some poor earthling.

REX

Really. Well, as far as I'm concerned,
Mother Cosmos is a space cadet and
can go sit on her asteroids.

MARGO

I'm warning you, Rex. It's not nice
to mess with Mother Cosmos.

REX

Margo, aren't you being just a trifle foolish?
After all, you only bought your first zodiac book
two nights ago at the grocery check out stand.

SFX: BIRDS CHIRP OUTSIDE. REX, A BIRD FANATIC, RUSHES TO THE WINDOW, GRABS BINOCULARS OFF THE WINDOW SILL AND LOOKS OUT.

REX

(EXCITED) I can't believe it! Carnival Dancing
Birds from Rio de Janeiro. Wow! What footwork!

MARGO

(Patronizing) Are they dancing the samba,
the mambo, or the lobotomy?

REX

(SERIOUS) No, it's something new.
It's sorta like ...

REX DOES FUNNY HOPPING DANCE STEPS. MARGO GIVES REX A PITIFUL LOOK. SUDDENLY, SCREECHING GUITAR MUSIC PERMEATES THE ROOM. SFX: BIRDS FLUTTER, FLY AWAY.

REX (CONT'D)

Well, there goes the birds. Anthony's done
it again. (GRIMACES) What in the world
is that horrible song he's trying to play?

MARGO

It's the theme from that new smash
movie "Nightmare on Halloween Street."

REX

That's tragic. Do they have a name for
that type of noise?

MARGO

I think they call it Heavy Steel, New Age,
Rap music, or something like that.

REX

It should be called Revenge Music.

MARGO

Revenge Music?

REX

Yes. It's the kind of music the kids invented
in retaliation for being asked to get a job.

MARGO

Maybe, for the sake of our own sanity,
we should stop asking Anthony to get a job.

REX

No way! That's the whole psychology
of Revenge Music. Well, I'm through
being blackmailed by that music.

MORE DISTORTED GUITAR SCREECHES ARE HEARD.

REX (CONT'D)

(Frowns) We've got to do something about
Anthony. He has no sense of responsibility.
No direction. No purpose.

MUSIC STOPS.

REX

Thank, God.

HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ANTHONY, BOUNCES DOWN THE STEPS INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

ANTHONY

I'm sorry, dad. I thought you left for the
studio. Anyhow, I'm kind'a glad you're here.
Do I have a surprise for you. I've got a job.

REX

(DISBELIEF) What!

MARGO

Oh, Anthony, I'm so proud of you.

REX

Hurry up and tell me about it before
I lapse into a coma.

ANTHONY

Well, get ready. I've booked my band into
the Blues Barn on the Sunset Strip again.
(Smiles proudly)

REX

(FROWNS) You call that a job?

ANTHONY

Yeah, but this time I made them give
me the door.

REX

Really. Well, I suggest you try and
get the windows, too. Then, I suggest
you take the door and windows to the
swap meet and sell them. You'll make
more than the two dollars and ten cents
you made the last time you played
there. While you're at it, try to get
the doorknobs, too.

ANTHONY

Dad! It's not the money that counts --
it's the exposure.

REX

(EXASPERATED) If you want exposure, take
your band to Death Valley and play
for the rattlesnakes.

ANTHONY

(CONTEMPLATES) You know, that's not a bad idea.

REX

Look, Anthony, music is a nice hobby, but
you've got to learn a trade or get a job
with some future. Don't you want to get
married someday?

ANTHONY

Me? Get married? I don't want to share
my room with anyone.

REX

(LOSES IT) You're supposed to move out of
the house when you get married!

ANTHONY

(Surprised) I didn't know that.

REX

I've had it! I want you to look for a
job today. I mean right now.

ANTHONY

Sorry, I'll have to look tomorrow.

REX

Tomorrow? Why not today?

ANTHONY

I'm a Taurus. Mother said
to stay home today.

REX

Margo, have you been brainwashing
Anthony with that Mother Cosmos
inter-planetary terrestrial garbáge?

MARGO

It's not terrestrial garbage. I'm
warning you,Rex, keep it up and
Mother Cosmos is going to get angry.

REX

Mother Cosmos is a space cadet.

SUDDENLY, THE TABLE SHAKES AND GLASSES CLINK.

ANTHONY

Oh, my God. It's an earthquake?

REX AND ANTHONY RUN AROUND THE ROOM IN DISARRAY. AFTER A FEW SECONDS THE SHAKING STOPS.

REX

(HAND OVER HEART) That's it!
We're moving to Arizona.

MARGO

(CALM) Get control of yourselves. I don't
see how two grown men could be afraid
of a little bitsy tremor. I told you,
Mother Cosmos would get angry if
you kept talking about her that way.

PEGGY, DRESSED IN SEXY EXERCISE TIGHTS, BOUNCES DOWN THE STAIRS SOBBING.

MARGO

Peggy, baby, did the earthquake scare you?

PEGGY

I didn't know there was an earthquake.
I was on my treadmill.

MARGO

Then why are you crying?

PEGGY

My agent booked me for a new TV nail
polish commercial for toenails. They
just want to shoot my toes.

MARGO

Oh, no. Not the "invisible curse" again.

REX

Here we go into orbit again. If it's not
Mother Cosmos, it's the "invisible curse."

PEGGY

It has to be a curse, Dad. Ever since
I made that dumb movie, "I Was
An InvisibleTeenage Baton Twirler,"
all I get is commercials that show
my nose, ears, toenails, eyes, knees,
and every part of my body -- except
my face. (Sobs)

ANTHONY

Peg, if it'll make you feel any better,
I thought your footprints were really
fabulous in the movie.

PEGGY LOOKS AT ANTHONY BEWILDERED AND SOBS LOUDER.

MARGO

(TAKES REX ASIDE) Rex, the time has
come. I want you to get Peggy a
part on your | TV show immediately.

REX

I can't do that. You know I don't believe
in nepotism.

MARGO

Can it, Rex! Nepotism is what makes the
world go around. Peggy's getting a terrible
complex and unless she gets a break,
she might become neurotic. Who knows,
she might even turn out like Anthony.

REX

God forbid. I knew we shouldn't have had
children so late in life.

MARGO

Hey, it's not my fault. You shot blanks for 20 years.

REX FROWNS AT MARGO.

REX

Okay, okay. I'll talk to the director today.
(TO PEGGY) No more tears, baby. I'm
going to try and get you a part on the
show so the world can finally see your face.

PEGGY

Really?

PEGGY HUGS AND KISSES REX. REX LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.

REX

Oh, oh, it's getting late. I'd better
get going.See you all tonight. Peggy,
I'll call you from the studio if
anything comes up.

PEGGY

Thanks, dad. I love you.

MARGO KISSES REX WHO THEN LEAVES.

ACT ONE

SCENE B

INT. DIRECTOR'S OFFICE - TV STUDIO - LATER
(Rex, Director, Gregory Toledo)

GREGORY

So, what's new, Rex, old buddy?

REX

Margo's now into astrology. She said
Mother Cosmos predicted I'd have a
bad day because I'm a Taurus. It's
ridiculous. (LAUGHS) I feel fantastic.

GREGORY

I'm glad you're in a good mood.

REX

I'm always in a good mood. I always
look at the bright side of things.

GREGORY

Then you won't be upset when I tell
you the show's been canceled.

REX

What? They can't do that! I've got
a contract. I'll sue the network, the
sponsors. You, too!

GREGORY

I thought you always looked on
the bright side of things, Rex?

REX

That's when I was rich and working.
Why do they want to cancel the show?

GREGORY

The brass says the show's dated.

REX

That's ridiculous. We still play
Disco music on the show, don't we?

GREGORY

(Patronizing smile) And we've been
playing it since 1977. However, I
have | some fantastic news. The writers
have already written your last show
and it's great. You really go out in a
blaze of glory.

REX

How thrilling.

GREGORY

Get this. While you're operating on the
face of the government's top secret
agent to change his identity, terrorists
secretly enter the hospital and release
laughing gas through the vents, and you
and the whole cast die laughing.
(PROUDLY) Could be an Emmy.

REX

(STUNNED) Maybe I should have
listened to Margo and stayed home.

GREGORY

Maybe you can go back to making movies.

REX

I haven't made a movie in twenty
years. And I'm not taking my clothes
off for anyone.

PHONE RINGS

GREGORY

Hello -- Why call me? Call casting.
What's the big deal about finding a
young girl to be on the show today?

REX

(WAVES his HANDS AT GREGORY) Hang up.
| I've got just the girl.

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE C

INT. TV STUDIO SET - CONTINUOUS
(Rex, Gregory, Peggy, Writer, Kamikaze Johnson, two actors and stage crew).

DRESSED IN A DOCTOR'S SMOCK, REX STUDIES HIS SCRIPT AS TWO ACTOR-PARAMEDICS PUSH A STRETCHER WITH A BANDAGE-FACED PATIENT NEXT TO HIM.

BANDAGED PATIENT

Pssssssst.

REX LOOKS AROUND FOR THE VOICE.

BANDAGED PATIENT

Pssssssst, dad. It's me, Peggy.

REX

Peggy? What are you doing in those bandages?

PEGGY

That's what I was going to ask you.
I thought people would be able to
see my face.

REX

Oh, no. They gave you the part of
an after plastic surgery patient.
According to the script, they're
not going to show your face.

PEGGY

Not the invisible curse again.

REX

Peg, I'm sorry. Look, there
isn't anything I can do right now.
Gregory just walked in. It's show
time. I promise, I'll make it up to
you. Did you learn your lines?

PEGGY

They didn't give me a script.

REX

What?

PEGGY POINTS UP. REX LOOKS UP AT A MAN ON A LADDER, LOOKING SOMEWHAT CONFUSED, PUTTING CUE CARDS IN ORDER.

PEGGY

Since I only have a few lines, they
told me to just read the cue cards
and to moan a lot. I wish he wasn't
so far away.

REX

I guess he has to be on a ladder
because you're lying on your
back. That's odd. They've never
done this before. Well, do your best.

REX PATS PEGGY AFFECTIONATELY ON HER BANDAGED HEAD AND WALKS TO HIS MARK ON THE SET AS THE TWO PARAMEDICS PUSH PEGGY CENTER STAGE. THE CAMERAMEN POSITION THEMSELVES AROUND REX AND PEGGY.

STAGE MANAGER

Five-four-three-two-roll credits.

THEME MUSIC PLAYS AND CREDITS SUPERIMPOSE ON A TV SCREEN OVER REX AND PEGGY.

ANNOUNCER

The makers of "Wrinkle Off" present
"MAJOR SURGERY," the only "live" dramatic
show on television. Starring, Rex Champagne,
as handsome Dr. R.L. Hand, head of
cosmetic surgery at Beverly Hills Creative
Hospital, the Hospital of the Stars.
Today our story continues as Dr. Hand
visits film star, Debra Malice, who has
just had her ears bobbed.

REX - DR. HAND

So, tell me Miss Malice, how do you feel?

PEGGY - DEBRA MALICE

(Squints to see cue cards) I feel like
someone punched me in the nose.

REX

(NERVOUS LOOK) Your nose? I don't understand why your
nose would hurt. I operated on your ears.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

GREGORY

Can't the girl read cue cards? According
to my script she had her ears bobbed,
not a nose job. Doesn't she realize
this is a live show.

WRITER

It's not the girl's fault.

WRITER POINTS TO CREWMAN ON LADDER WITH CUE CARDS.

WRITER

Look who's back up on the ladder.

GREGORY

Oh, no. Not Kamikaze Johnson. He
never gets anything right. Climb up
there fast and straighten out the
cue cards. How could he mix them up?
They're only numbered from one to three.

THE WRITER RUNS OUT OF THE CONTROL ROOM. REX LOOKS IN PANIC TO GREGORY FOR MORE DIRECTION. GREGORY HOLDS UP AN "AD LIB" CUE CARD.

GREGORY

Oh, no, I forgot. A parrot could
ad lib better than Rex.

INT. HOSPITAL SET

REX

(WHISPERS TO PEGGY) The cue cards are
in the wrong order. We have to ad lib until
they fix them. Don't panic, just follow me.

REX'S EYES BETRAY HIS FEAR OF AD LIBBING AS HE LISTENS INTENSELY TO PEGGY'S EARS WITH HIS STETHOSCOPE.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

GREGORY

I don't believe it! He's listening to her
ears for a heartbeat!

INT. HOSPITAL SET

REX

It sounds like the operation was a
complete success, Miss Malice.

PEGGY

Ah, thank you, Doctor Hand.

REX

Yes, you'll be listening to Revenge Music
in your headphones before you know it.
And you can bet all your peanuts, they'll
never call you Elephant Girl again.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

GREGORY

(CRINGING) Elephant girl!

INT. HOSPITAL SET

PEGGY

Thanks Doctor. You mean I can finally
go out to dinner and not have to tack
up my ears with clothes pins to
keep them from hanging in my plate?

REX

That's right. Now you can use real
bread to dunk with and won't have to
lick your ears anymore.

GREGORY WATCHES IN HORROR IN CONTROL ROOM AS REX ONCE AGAIN LISTENS TO PEGGY'S EARS WITH HIS STETHOSCOPE. THE FRENZIED WRITER STANDS ON THE FIRST STEP OF KAMIKAZE JOHNSON'S LADDER.

KAMIKAZE JOHNSON

Get down, you idiot. You might make this ladder tip over.

WRITER

You've got the cue cards in the wrong sequence.

KAMIKAZE JOHNSON

(LOOKS AT CUE CARDS) What? I knew I should
have stayed home. Mother Cosmos is always right.

THE WRITER CLIMBS UP THE LADDER WHICH NOW WOBBLES PRECARIOUSLY.

KAMIKAZE JOHNSON

If you don't get back down, this latter is going to faaaaalllll!

THE LADDER CRASHES TO THE FLOOR. KAMIKAZE GRABS A ROPE HANGING FROM THE RAFTERS AND SWINGS BACK AND FORTH ACROSS THE SET WITH THE WRITER HANGING ONTO HIS BACK.

WRITER/KAMIKAZE JOHNSON

Help! Help! Help!

INT. CONTROL ROOM

GREGORY

(SHOUTS INTO MIC) Emergency! Emergency!
Dr. R.L. Hand immediately wanted in surgery.
Emergency! Dr. R.L Hand wanted in surgery.

THE TELEVISION SCREEN SCRAMBLES THEN TURNS TO BLACK.

FADE OUT:

ACT TWO

SCENE A

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON
(Rex, Margo, Mother Cosmos, Cassandra, Epiphany)

DEJECTED, REX PACES, THEN SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA.

REX

Me, Rex Champagne, fired. I don't believe there's
anything in the world that could make me feel
more depressed than I feel now.

REX CLICKS ON TV SET WITH THE REMOTE. SEES HAPPY-GO-LUCKY MOTHER COSMOS IN DREDLOCKS, AND TWO OTHER COLORFULLY DRESSED ISLAND WOMEN. LIVELY REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS. SIGN IN BACKGROUND READS "MOTHER COSMOS AND HER PSYCHIC FRIENDS."

ANNOUNCER

The makers of multi-strength Space
Capsules, "The Headache Remedy of
the Psychics," proudly present Mother
Cosmos and her Psychic Friends.

MOTHER COSMOS

(JAMAICAN ACCENT) Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the
show. As usual, I'd like to introduce
Epiphany and Cassandra, our Psychic
Friend regulars.

EPIFANY AND CASSANDRA GIGGLE AND WAVE.

MOTHER COSMOS

And now I have a surprise for you.
Today our guest psychic and a good
friend of mine, is former film star,
who I'm sure you all remember
won an Academy award playing opposite
Renaldo Fandango in "Tampico Nights,"
Margo Champagne.

REX

Margo!

MARGO

Thank you, Mother Cosmos. I doubt
if anyone remembers me.

CASSANDRA

I don't, but my mother said she
thinks she does.

MARGO

(PATRONIZING SMILES) How nice.

INT. TV STUDIO - CONTINUOUS

MOTHER COSMOS

Okay, let's take a call.

CLICKS PHONE ON DESK. HEAR DIAL TONE:

MOTHER COSMOS

Hi. You're on the air with Mother
Cosmos and her Psychic Friends

CLAUDE

Hi, this is Claude.

MOTHER COSMOS

Hi Claude. What's up?

CLAUDE
I'm really in a jam and could used
a quick glimpse into my future.

MOTHER COSMOS

I'll do what I can, Claude. (THINKS)
Hmmm. I'm getting a vibe on
the letter "M." Hmmm. I'm gettin'
a sense of money? Is that right?

CLAUDE

That's amazing. You're right!

CASSANDRA

I feel we're talkin' lots of money
here. Is that right Claude?

CLAUDE

You bet! Listen, time's running out.
What do you see happening with
the money in my immediate future?

EPIFANY

Strange...I see bars. Do you
work in a zoo, Claude?

CASSANDRA

I see bars of some kind, too.

CLAUDE

Oh, no.

MOTHER COSMOS

Wait. Now I see the letter "B."
I see a bank. Are you going
to deposit money in the bank?

CLAUDE

Ah...It's more of a withdrawal.

MARGO

I just got a flash and the vibes are strong.

MOTHER COSMOS

Go for it, girl.

MARGO

Can I ask you something personal, Claude?

CLAUDE

(DESPERATE) Sure, but hurry?

MARGO

Claude...did you just rob a bank?

SFX: POLICE SIRENS, GUNSHOTS AND THEN A DIAL TONE. REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS AND THE PANEL STANDS AND DANCES.

MOTHER COSMOS

You have just witnessed proof that
Mother Cosmos and her psychic friends
can see into the future. Right now I
challenge all of you skeptics and
non-believers to call in.

INT. REX'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

REX PACES WITH A PERPLEXED LOOK. SLOWLY HE PICKS UP PHONE, PUTS IT DOWN, PICKS IT UP, FINALLY DIALS.

REX

Is this the Mother Cosmos' Psychic
Friends show? -- I'd like to talk to
Mother Cosmos.

INT. TV STUDIO - CONTINUOUS

MOTHER COSMOS

I've been told we have a non-believer on
the line.This should be fun. What's
on your mind, non-believer?

REX

(TRYING TO DISGUISE HIS VOICE)
I just lost my job, and wonder if I'll
get it back in the future?

MARGO LISTENS TO REX'S VOICE WITH AN EXPRESSION OF CURIOSITY. MOTHER COSMOS, MARGO AND THE PANEL CONTEMPLATE.

EPIFANY

Well...I see the letter "D".
Are you a dog catcher?

REX

No, I'm not a dog catcher!
This is ridiculous.

CASSANDRA

Wait, I see a "D", too, but I see an
operating room. Are you a doctor?

REX

Well...kind of.

MOTHER COSMOS

And I see birds. Lots of birds
in you life. Am I right?

REX

(SURPRISED EXPRESSION)
Ah...ah....

MOTHER COSMOS

We got you! What do you have
to say about psychics now?

REX

Maybe you just got lucky.

EPIFANY

Well, try this. I'm visualizing
music being played. Is there a
piano or a guitar in your house?

REX

Yes, but doesn't every house have a piano
or a teenager who plays guitar loud
enough to almost make you deaf?

MARGO LOOKS MORE SUSPICIOUS.

MOTHER COSMOS

Margo, what do you think? Got some vibes?

MARGO

Yes. I just want to say to the caller
that you have a lousy disposition and
I think you're a complete jerk. I feel
very, very sorry for the poor woman
who happens to be your wife. You know,
I thought my husband was bad, by
the way, you sound just like him,
but you're twice as bad.

MOTHER COSMOS

Way to go, Margo, girl.

CASSANDRA-EPIFANYY

You tell him, girl.

REX

Look! I just want to know one thing.
Will I get my job back or not?

MOTHER COSMOS

I decided not to tell you. Suffer.

CASSANDRA-EPIFANYY

Give him the voodoo doll treatment, Mother Cosmos.

MOTHER COSMOS SMILES, PULLS OUT UGLY SMALL VOODOO DOLL, STICKS PINS IN IT. GIRLS MUMBLE VOODOO WORDS AND GYRATE TO REGGAE MUSIC.

INT. REX'S HOUSE

REX

(JUMPS AROUND) Ouch! Ouch!
What's going on? Ouch! Ouch!

ACT TWO

SCENE B

INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING

REX PACES, MARGO READS A MOTHER COSMOS BOOK.

REX

I saw you on TV today.

MARGO

Really? How did I do?

REX

I thought you were pretty rough
on that nice man who called in.

MARGO

Nice man? He was a jerk?

REX GRIMACES, DOESN'T ANSWER.

MARGO

I saw your show today, too, Rex.

REX

How did you like the new concept?

MARGO

Are you telling me that the show was
written that way?

REX

Of course it was. You don't think
Mother Cosmos had anything
to do with it, do you?

MARGO

I'd bet on it.

REX

Look, Margo. Mother Cosmos is a
space cadet, astrology is stupid and
absolutely nothing happened out of
the ordinary today.

THE PHONE RINGS. MARGO ANSWERS.

MARGO

Hello -- It's Gregory Toledo for you.
He wants to talk to you a little more
about the show getting canceled today.

REX

(FORCED LAUGH) That Gregory. Always
clowning around. The show getting canceled.
What a joker. Tell him, I'll call him back later.

MARGO

(MARGO LOOKS AT REX SUSPICIOUSLY. ANTHONY BOUNCES DOWN THE STAIRCASE.

REX

Anthony. It's so nice to see you.

ANTHONY

Do you feel all right, dad?

REX

I feel fine.

ANTHONY

Good. Do I have great news for you.

REX

You're joining the army?

ANTHONY

You're such a kidder, dad.

REX

Who's kidding?

ANTHONY

Anyhow, remember when you told me, if I
wanted exposure to go play in Death Valley?

REX

Yes, I remember that happy moment.

ANTHONY

Well, I've promoted the first 4th of July
"Save the Rattlesnake" rock concert.

MARGO

That's wonderful, Anthony!

ANTHONY

Yeah, a group of women dedicated to the
environment, called the "Snake Charmers,"
are going to sponsor it. Actually,
they're belly dancers with pet snakes.

REX

I didn't know rattlesnakes are an
endangered species.

MARGO

Well, I know that the rattlesnakes
will just love your band and your
guitar playing, Anthony.

REX

There ain't no doubt about that.

Rattlesnakes are deaf.

THE DOORBELL RINGS.

REX

Now, who could that be?

MARGO

It's the Gaylords. They said they'd
stop by after they went to the movies.

REX

Oh, no. Not Henry and Morgana, the Desi
and Lucy of Encino! Not after a day like today.

MARGO OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. THE GAYLORDS ENTER, HENRY GAYLORD WEARS AN EARRING.

MARGO

Hi, you two. Come on in.

MORGANA GAYLORD

Hi, Margo. Sorry for the intrusion.
Hi, Rex. Hi, Anthony.

HENRY GAYLORD

Hi, Rex. Hi you all.

MARGO

How was the movie?

MORGANA

It was great. We saw Nightmare on
Halloween Street.

ANTHONY

Wasn't that a great movie!

HENRY

We loved it! Especially, the part where
that lunatic ran around with that
chain saw guitar. In fact, we saw it twice.

MORGANA

Oh, I just love the theme song.

HENRY AND MORGANA HUM THE THEME SONG. ANTHONY GRABS HIS GUITAR AND PLAYS. THEN HENRY SAWS THE TOP OF MORGANA'S HEAD AND MORGANA SAWS HENRY'S ARM WITH INVISIBLE CHAIN SAWS. REX LOOKS IN DISBELIEF.

REX

Mercy! Stop! Have mercy!

MUSIC STOPS. ANTHONY NOTICES HENRY'S EARRING.

ANTHONY

Wow, I really like your earring, Mr. Gaylord.

HENRY

(smiles Proudly) Thanks, Anthony.
It's what all us hip Encino
bookkeepers are wearing these
days. What you think, Rex?

REX

You actually had your ear pierced?

HENRY

No, believe it or not, I was born
with a hole in my ear.

REX

(smugly) Maybe you were born with
a hole in your head, too, Henry.
I'd check it out.

MARGO

That's cruel, Rex. Your earring looks
just fine, Henry. Don't mind Rex.

HENRY

It's all right, Margo. I'll just charge
him more when I do his income tax this year.

HENRY SMILES, REX SMIRKS PATRONIZINGLY.

ANTHONY

Your earring sure looks hip, Mr. Gaylord.
I wish I had one like that to wear
at my next concert.

HENRY

Say no more. Since I had to buy two,
I'll give you the other one.

REX PULLS OUT AN EARRING FROM HIS POCKET GIVES IT TO ANTHONY.

ANTHONY

Wow, too much! Thanks a lot. You're
pretty cool, Mr. Gaylord.

HENRY

I know it. By the way, Rex, I saw the
show today. I like it much better now that
it's a comedy.

REX

It's not a comedy!

PEGGY COMES DOWN THE STAIRS SOMEWHAT FORLORN.

PEGGY

Hi, everyone.

MORGANA

Hi, honey. We saw you on Major Surgery
and you were great.

PEGGY

Really! How in the world did you recognize me?
Only my nose was sticking out of the bandages.

MORGANA

Well, I've seen your nose so many times in
those Kleenex commercials that I knew
it was you as soon as I saw it.

PEGGY

Gee, thanks...I think.

HENRY

You stole the show, Peg -- so did
those guys swinging from the rafters.
(TO REX) You were pretty good too,
Rex. By the way, I didn't know
you could hear a heartbeat by
listening to someone's ear with
a stethoscope.

MORGANA

You know. I've often wondered if you could
take someone's pulse by holding their big toe.

REX

(FED UP) Look, I've had a bad day. What brings you here?

HENRY

Weeeeell, my stockbroker died a few
weeks ago. Unfortunately, he died
before he had a chance to mail me
some stock I bought. Since then,
the stock has tripled and I want
to sell before it goes down.

REX

So?

HENRY

Well, I asked Margo if she would hold a seance
so I can find out where he put the stock.

REX

A seance! Margo doesn't know anything a
bout seances.

MARGO

I've just finished reading Cosmic Seances by
Mother Cosmos.

REX

Ooooooh, not Mother Cosmos again.

ANTHONY

Whoa. This is getting too spacey for me. Peggy,
can you drive me to rehearsal.

PEGGY

As long as I don't have to stay and listen
to you guys play.

ANTHONY

Okay. Good night, Mr. And Mrs. Gaylord.
Thanks for the earring.

HENRY

Your very welcome, Anthony.

PEGGY

Good night, everyone.

REX-MARGO-THE GAYLORDS

Good night, Peggy.

ANTHONY GRABS GUITAR CASE AND EXITS WITH PEGGY.

ACT TWO

C

INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

LIGHTS OFF, CANDLE LIT ON TABLE. REX, MARGO, HENRY AND MORGANA SITTING AROUND DINING ROOM TABLE HOLDING HANDS.

MARGO

Spirits of the hereafter, hear my plea. Henry Gaylord
wishes to speak to thee. Spirits of the hereafter,
hear my plea. Henry Gaylord wishes to speak to thee.

SILENCE. MARGO QUICKLY GLANCES BACK INTO MOTHER THE COSMOS SEANCE BOOK.

REX

Maybe you skipped a page, Margo.

MORGANA

Shuuuuuush, Rex. You might scare the spirits away.

REX SHAKES HIS HEAD AND LOOKS TO THE HEAVENS.

MARGO

Spirits of the hereafter hear my plea. Henry Gaylord
wishes to communicate with the spirit of his dear friend.

SILENCE AGAIN. AFTER A FEW SECONDS THE TABLE VIBRATES AND EVERYONE GASPS. REX LOOKS UNDER THE TABLE.

MARGO

Oh, my! I actually think I've reached him!
Quick! Henry, talk to him.

HENRY

(WHISPERS) Greenberg ...Greenberg. Are you there?
Greenberg, please talk to me. It's Henry Gaylord.

REX

Greenberg?

MARGO - MORGANA -(TO REX)

Ssssshhhhhh!

MORGANA

Try again, Henry. And speak louder.
Remember, Greenberg was hard of hearing,
especially, when he was eating. Who knows,
he may be having lunch.

HENRY

(SHOUTS) Greenberg! Greenberg! Put down that
pastrami on rye and listen.

REX

I didn't know there was a deli heaven. Listen, Henry,
when you reach Greenberg, ask him if he can order me
a salami on pumpernickel with a side of cold slaw. I'm starving.

MARGO

Will you be quiet, Rex! (TO HENRY) Keep
trying to talk to him, Henry!

HENRY

Please, Greenberg. Where did you put my stock?

GREENBERG (OS)

(A VOICE FAINTLY IN DISTANCE) Wouldn't you like to know.

EVERYONE GASPS AND LOOKS AROUND IN DISBELIEF.

HENRY

Please, Greenberg, tell me where you stashed my stock.

GREENBERG (OS)

It's in a safe place.

HENRY

What a relief. Where is it?

GREENBERG

It's under the (STATIC) behind the (STATIC)
next to the...(STATIC).

HENRY

Where? I couldn't understand you. Under
what? Behind what?

REX

I'm going to get to the bottom of this. All right,
who's the ventriloquist?

REX LOOKS UNDER THE TABLE, BEHIND THE SOFA, THE CURTAINS, AND IN THE CLOSET.

GREENBERG

I'm getting some bad vibes.

MARGO

Sit down, Rex. Before you chase Greenberg away.

REX FROWNS AND BEGRUDGINGLY SITS DOWN.

HENRY

Greenberg. Tell me where my stock is again.
There was static interference before.

GREENBERG

Sure. It's under the (STATIC) behind the
(STATIC)next to the...(STATIC).

HENRY

(Frantic) I still couldn't hear you. There's too much static.

GREENBERG

Sorry about that, a comet just flew by. Before I forget,
do yourself a favor. Invest in Colorado Gold Mines,
Inc. It's a winner.

HENRY

Fantastic! Thanks, Greenberg. You're a real friend.
By the way, where should I send your commission?

GREENBERG

Just give it to my faithful, devoted and grieving wife, Ida.
How's she doing? I bet she really misses me.

HENRY

Not really. The day after she buried you, she bought
a new wardrobe, a Bentley and is now dating the janitor.

GREENBERG

What? I thought she'd be wearing black dresses for years.
Just for that, don't give her my commission. I'd rather
give it to a rattlesnake.

GREENBERG

In fact, that's a good idea. I want you to send
my commission to an environmental group called
the Snake Charmers. They need the money for a concert
they're throwing next July in Death Valley...the janitor!

SUDDENLY, THE TABLE SHAKES VIOLENTLY. EVERYONE SCREAMS AND RUNS FROM THE ROOM IN PANIC EXCEPT HENRY IS PULLED AWAY BY MORGANA AND MARGO.

HENRY

(SHOUTING) Wait, wait, Greenberg! Where's my stock?

GREENBERG

It's under the (STATIC) behind the (STATIC)
next to the...(STATIC).

HENRY

(SHOUTING) Greenberg! Greenberg! Greenberg!

FADE OUT:

ACT TWO

D

EPILOGUE

INT. LIVING ROOM - NEXT MORNING

MARGO DRINKING COFFEE AND READING THE HOROSCOPE IN THE PAPER. REX WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

REX

Do I have some great news. I just talked to Gregory
on the phone and the network brass loved the show
Peggy was in so much they've decided to make
Major Surgery a comedy. And...they want
Peggy to appear on the show once in a while.

MARGO

That's fantastic. You mean they're going
to show Peggy's face?

REX

Not to begin with.

MARGO

I'm not sure Peggy will be thrilled about that.

REX

Trust me, Margo. I'll make sure they show
her face...eventually.

ANTHONY BOUNCES DOWN THE STAIRS.

MARGO

Anthony, how did the concert go in Death Valley?

ANTHONY

Fantastic! We had a humongous crowd.

REX

Really? How many people showed up?

ANTHONY

Must have been at least 25 or 30 people.

REX LOOKS TO THE HEAVENS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.

MARGO

Tell me about the concert, Anthony.

ANTHONY

Well, everything went great, except there was just
one minor problem.

MARGO

What was that?

ANTHONY

Some of the snakes got out of their cages and snuck
into the audience. You know, I've never seen
people move that fast in my whole life. It kind'a
put a downer on the show.

ONCE AGAIN REX LOOKS TO THE HEAVENS FOR HELP.

ANTHONY (CONT'D)

By the way, I've got an agent now. He's even got a car.

REX

(PATRONIZING) Really. Does it run?

ANTHONY

(LAUGHS) You crack me up, dad.

HORN BEEPS OUTSIDE, HEAR CAR MOTOR KNOCKING LOUDLY.

ANTHONY (CONT'D)

Oh, there he is now. See you later.

MARGO

Goodbye, Anthony.

REX

Get a job.

ANTHONY SMILES AND HURRIES AWAY WITH HIS GUITAR.

MARGO

Anthony always makes me feel good.
He's always so happy.

REX

Since you feel so happy, why don't you read my
horoscope for today?

MARGO

(SURPRISED) I thought you didn't believe in
Mother Cosmos's predictions?

REX

(SMILES) Oh, just for the heck of it.

MARGO

(Reads from newspaper) It says, don't drive a tractor,
learn how to play harmonica and it's an excellent
day for investments.

REX

Thanks, dear. Well, I think I'll leave early today.

MARGO

By chance, you wouldn't be stopping by the
stock exchange to buy stock in
Colorado Gold, Inc., would you?

REX SMILES SHEEPISHLY. BIRDS CHIRP OUTSIDE. REX RUNS TO THE WINDOW, GRABS THE BINOCULARS FROM THE SILL AND LOOKS OUT.

REX

(Excited) The Carnival Dancing Birds from Rio de Janeiro
are back! Boy, what footwork!

REX STARTS DANCING. MARGO LOOKS CONDESCENDINGLY. REX KISSES MARGO, WALKS HAPPILY OUT THE DOOR INTO A FLOCK OF BIRDS.

REX

Hello, birdies. Have a good day.

SFX: REX WHISTLES LIKE A BIRD, THROWS BIRD SEED FROM HIS POCKET TO THE BIRDS, DANCES TO HIS CAR AND DRIVES OFF AS THE BIRDS FLY AFTER REX.

END OF SHOW

 

---

2ND TV SHOW

ACT ONE

A

INT. CHAMPAGNE LIVING ROOM - MORNING

MARGO SITS AT THE TABLE, DRINKING COFFEE AND READING THE "DETECTIVE MONTHLY." LARGE POSTERS ON WALL OF SHERLOCK HOLMES, COLUMBO, BARNABY JONES, MAGNUM P.I.AND MICKEY SPILLANE. MARGO PUTS DOWN MAGAZINE AND STUDIES HER FINGERPRINT ON A GLASS WITH MAGNIFYING GLASS. GRIMACING, REX BOUNCES DOWN THE STAIRS FROM THE SECOND FLOOR. IGNORES POSTERS

REX

A Koala bear moves faster than those men
putting in the new sprinkler system out
back. By the time they finish the rainy
season will be here.

SFX: THUNDER SHAKES THE HOUSE

MARGO

(WISECRACKING)You could be right.

REX

I knew I should have waited 'till next year.

REX WALKS TO THE BACK DOOR, OPENS IT.

REX

(SHOUTS) Rudy! Can't you get your
crew to move faster?

RUDY

Sorry, Senor. No habla Inglese.

REX

Don't give me that, No habla Inglese baloney.
You speak perfect English. Especially, when we
talk about money.

RUDY

That reminds me, this job is going
to cost you four hundred dollars more
than I quoted you.

REX

Oh, yeah. No habla Inglese!

REX SLAMS THE DOOR CLOSED, WALKS BACK TOWARD MARGO, NOTICES P.I.
POSTERS ON WALL.

REX

So, what's with the Sherlock Holmes posters?

MARGO

Well...it's like this. Ah...

REX SUDDENLY DISTRACTED SFX: BIRDS CHIRPING OUTSIDE. REX HURRIES TO THE FRONT WINDOW, LOOKS OUT.

REX

This is phenomenal! There's a rare Panamanian
speckled Banana Bird!

MARGO

Really. Is the Banana Bird peeled or un-peeled?

SUDDENLY, DISSONANT GUITAR MUSIC EMANATES FROM UPSTAIRS, REX FLINCHES. SFX: BIRDS FLUTTER, FLY AWAY.

REX

Anthony has got to stop scaring the
birds with his guitar playing. I
want him to get out and get a job!

ANTHONY BOUNCES DOWN THE STAIRS CARRYING HIS GUITAR CASE, PUTS GUITAR BY DOOR.

REX

Anthony, you scared the life out of
those poor birds with your music.

ANTHONY

I think you're anthropomorphizing a little, dad.

REX

(SUPRISED) Anthropomorphizing?

MARGO

That means assigning human emotions to animals, Rex.

REX

I know what it means. I just didn't expect it
from Anthony. Anyhow, human, animal or
mineral, it wouldn't matter. I bet a rock
hurts when it hears Anthony plays.Now Anthony,
I want you to get out and get a job.

ANTHONY

I got you covered, dad. Get ready for this.

REX

Why is it I always get nervous when you say "Get ready for this."

ANTHONY SMILES, PULLS OUT A SHERLOCK HOLMES CAP AND PIPE, PUTS ON CAP, PUTS PIPE IN HIS MOUTH, POSES A MOMENT.

ANTHONY

Today, I start Mickey Zip's Detective School so I can become a detective.

MARGO

And so am I. We're both going to become P.I.s. Isn't that exciting?

REX

(Agonized expression) This is ridiculous. What in the world could you two do if you were confronted with some criminal?

MARGO AND ANTHONY NOD TO EACH OTHER, GRAB REX IN A CHOKE HOLD AND A HAMMER LOCK. REX STRUGGLES, CAN'T MOVE.

REX

Let go! Let go! Ouch, ouch!

ANTHONY

That's what we'd do to the bad guys.

THEY RELEASE DISHEVELED REX WHO STRAIGHTENS HIS SHIRT AND HAIR.

REX

Where did you two learn to do that?

ANTHONY

At Mickey Zip's. He gave us a
free lesson before we signed up for
the course.

MARGO REACHES IN HER PURSE, TAKES OUT AND PUTS ON SHERLOCK HOLMES CAP, PULLS OUT PIPE, PUTS IT IN HER MOUTH, WALKS TOWARD DOOR WITH ANTHONY.

MARGO

(TO ANTHONY) We'd better go, Watson. We don't want to be late.

ANTHONY

Right on, Holmes. Cheerio, dad.

REX SHAKES HIS HEAD IN WONDER AS MARGO AND ANTHONY WALK TO DOOR IN THEIR SHERLOCK HOLMES CAPS AND PIPES.

REX

By the way, where's Peggy?

MARGO

She went to see her agent.

REX WATCHES AS MARGO AND ANTHONY GO HAPPILY ON THEIR WAY. AFTER THEY LEAVE, HE NOTICES ANTHONY'S GUITAR NEAR THE DOOR WHERE ANTHONY HAD LEFT IT, RUBS HIS CHIN IN DEEP THOUGHT.

REX

I can't believe it. This is the first time Anthony has ever forgotten his guitar. Hmmm.

REX PEEKS OUT THE WINDOW, SEES NO ONE IN THE BACK YARD.

REX

Day. I may never get a chance like this again.

EXT. BACKYARD -- CONTINUOUS

REX, CARRYING ANTHONY'S GUITAR, WALKS TO PILE OF DIRT GARDENERS HAVE DUG UP. PUTS DOWN GUITAR CASE, PICKS UP SHOVEL, STARTS DIGGING HOLE IN DIRT, STOPS, GUILTY EXPRESSION.

REX

I can't do it...

THINKS...GUILT EXPRESSION DISAPPEARS, SMILES DEVIOUSLY.

REX

Yes, I can.

STARTS SHOVELING, STOPS, THINKS AGAIN...LOOKS SADLY

REX

I guess, I can't do it after all.

THINKS AGAIN...SMILES.

REX

Yes, I can!

REX PUTS GUITAR IN HOLE, BURIES IT, PUTS SHOVEL DOWN.

REX

Let's see if Holmes and Watson can solve this caper. (Sinister LAUGH) I'd better get to work.

REX HURRIES INTO THE HOUSE.

ACT ONE

B

INT. PEGGY'S AGENT'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

AGENT

Honest, Peggy. I'm trying as hard as I can to get you an acting part that shows your face. But all I keep getting are commercials that only show your nose, ears, fingers, toes.

PEGGY

I know. It's the "Invisible Curse."

AGENT

I'll call you if anything comes up. I promise.

PEGGY

Thanks.

DEJECTED, PEGGY WALKS OUT.

EXT. HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS

PEGGY WALKS DOWN HALLWAY, OVERHEARS MEN TALKING.

INT. OFFICE DOWN THE HALL -- CONTINUOUS

DOOR WIDE OPEN, TWO SOMEWHAT SEEDY-LOOKING, NERVOUS MEN TALK.

LEFTY

Look, Sammy, we gotta find a girl for
the flick. They start shootin' in two
hours. (Looks at his watch)

SAMMY

It's gonna be hard, Lefty. Where you
gonna find a sexy, attractive broad with a
body that quick.

PEGGY WALKS IN FRONT OF OPEN DOOR, LOOKS AT MEN.

PEGGY

Ah...would I do?

LEFTY AND SAMMY STARE MOUTHS OPEN IN DISBELIEF.

LEFTY

Oh, yeah. You'll definitely do.

SAMMY

Oh, yeah. You'll definitely do.

PEGGY

I know this sounds silly, but will my face be shown?

LEFTY

Your face? Oh, course it will.

PEGGY

And my whole body?

SAMMY

Oh, definitely. Every inch of your body. You can count on that.

LEFTY AND SAMMY SMILE, WINK AT EACH OTHER.

PEGGY

Well, I'm your girl. I don't care
how small the role, as long as you'll
show my face and body.

LEFTY

Hey, you're going to be the star. I can see it.

PEGGY

(Naive) Really!

SMILING ECSTATICALLY, LEFTY AND SAMMY WALK TOWARD PEGGY.

INT. HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS

LEFTY WALKS PEGGY DOWN THE HALL AWAY FROM OFFICE DOOR. SAMMY, MAKES SURE PEGGY ISN'T LOOKING, CLOSES OFFICE DOOR. CLOSE ON DOOR: READS "DOUBLE X FILM COMPANY."

ACT ONE

C

INT. TV STUDIO MAJOR SURGERY SET -- CONTINUOUS

SHOW IN PROGRESS. GREGORY AND HEAD WRITER WATCHING SHOW FROM CONTROL ROOM.

WRITER

(To gregory) Oh, no. There's Blind as a bat Johnson working the lights. Thank God there's no cue cards today.

REX

(Looks) It doesn't matter, now that the show's a comedy, anything goes.

GREGORY AND WRITER SMILE, HIT HIGH FIVES, LOOK BACK AT REX.

INT. TV STUDIO SET -- CONTINUOUS

REX AS DR. R.L. HAND SITS AT HIS OFFICE DESK, LOOKS IN MIRROR ADMIRING HIMSELF. KNOCK AT DOOR.

DR. HAND

Come in.

VERY TALL KARIM ABDUL JABAR TYPE ENTERS WITH FRENZIED LOOK, SITS DOWN.

DR. HAND

What can I do for you?

KARIM

(Anxious) I can't take it anymore! You've got to help me, doctor!

DR. HAND

There, there, control yourself. What seems to be the problem?

KARIM

(Gradually gets hysterical) I'm sick of hitting my head on the top of doorways when I walk into a room. I'm embarrassed when I go to Disneyland and take up three horses on the merry-go-round. I...I want to be short!

KARIM PUTS HIS HEAD ON DESK, BREAKS DOWN, SOBS. WITH A LOOK OF COMPASSION, DR. HAND PATS HIM ON THE SHOULDERS.

DR. HAND

There, there.

KARIM REGAINS COMPOSURE, LIFTS HEAD, SITS UP.

KARIM

Is there anything you can do to help me, doctor?

DR. HAND

Well...there is an operation that only I,
and no one in the whole world,
can perform. It's a simple operation.

KARIM

(Excited) Really. Tell me about it.

DR. HAND

Well, in layman's terms, I would
simply cut off your legs from the
knees down and then cut off your
feet and sew them back on your knees.

KARIM

Hmmm...interesting. Are there any side effects?

DR. HAND

There may be short periods of falling
down and having to crawl, but
you'll get use to it after while.
You just have to watch that no one
steps on your head.

KARIM

(Determined look) I can live with that. I'll do anything just to hear someone call me..."Shorty!"

DR. HAND, KARIM SHAKE HANDS. KARIM WALKS TO THE DOOR, BUMPS HIS HEAD ON TOP OF DOORWAY, MOANS, GRIMACES, HOLDS HEAD, LEAVES. COMMERCIAL, THEME MUSIC PLAYS.

ACT ONE

D

INT. MICKEY ZIP'S DETECTIVE SCHOOL -- DAY

COLORFUL MICKEY ZIP (MAYBE A HUMPHREY BOGART OR COLUMBO IMITATION) STANDS IN FRONT OF A HUGE POSTER OF AN EYE. MARGO AND ANTHONY SIT WITH STRANGE ASSORTMENT OF FUTURE PRIVATE EYES.

MICKEY

Remember, to be a good private eye, you not only have to use your eyes, but your eyes, ears and nose.

ANTHONY

What about your throat?

MICKEY

Let's say it's for taking cough drops so you don't cough and have the guy you're following see you.

ANTHONY

Wow! You got all the bases covered, don't you, Mickey?

MICKEY

Listen to me, kid and you'll always get your man, kid. Now, don't forget to read pages 1 to 25 in my detective manual. Class dismissed. Oh, yeah, if you need me for anything, call.

CLASS GET UP, LEAVES.

ACT TWO

A

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM -- CONTINUOUS

WE SEE KARIM LYING IN L BED ABOUT THREE FEET TALL WITH HIS SIZE 16 SHOES ON. DR. HAND ENTERS, LOOKS, FROWNS.

KARIM

(Devastated) What happened, Dr. Hand?
I'm only three feet tall.

DR. HAND

I...I...guess I goofed. Sorry about that.

KARIM

That's it, you goofed? (Sobbing) You've ruined my life, I want to be tall again. What good am I now?

DR. HAND

Well, look at it this way, Karim. If Spike
Lee ever decides to remake the story
of Toulouse Lautrec, you're a shoe in.

KARIM

(FURIOUS) I'll shoe you, you lunatic!

KARIM TAKES OFF HIS SHOES AND THROWS THEM AT DR. HAND AS DR. HAND FLEES OUT THE DOOR.

ACT TWO

B

INT. CHAMPAGNE LIVING ROOM -- LATER

ANTHONY LOOKING FOR HIS GUITAR WITH CONCERN.

MARGO

What are you looking for, Anthony?

ANTHONY

I left my guitar right here by the door, now it's gone.

MARGO

It's probably in your room.

ANTHONY RUNS UP THE STAIRS. MARGO STRAIGHTENS UP THE ROOM A BIT. ANTHONY SCREAMS FROM UPSTAIRS, RUNS DOWN STAIRS.

ANTHONY

Someone has stolen my guitar! (Picks up phone, dials) Hello, Mickey? This is Anthony Champagne. This is an emergency! Someone has stolen my guitar. Can you come over?

ACT TWO

C

INT. DRESSING ROOM - MOVIE STUDIO -- LATER

PEGGY ENTERS. TWO GIRLS IN BATHING SUITS SIT IN FRONT OF MIRROR PUTTING ON MAKEUP.

PEGGY

Hi, I'm Peggy. I'm new here.

1ST GIRL

(rolls eyebrows) Are you sure you're in the right place?

PEGGY

I think so.

2ND GIRL

I think you better go take a look out there on the set.

A BIT BEWILDERED, PEGGY WALKS OUT, OPENS DOOR TO SET, PEEKS IN. HER VISION IS BLOCKED BY CAMERA MAN AND PROPS, HEARS.

GIRL

Help, help! Somebody call 911! I'm being attacked!

PEGGY LOOKS IN PANIC, CLOSES DOOR, RUNS TO NEARBY TELEPHONE BOOTH, GETS IN, CLOSES DOOR, DIALS FRANTICALLY.

CUT TO:

EXT. WAREHOUSE -- CONTINUOUS

POLICE PUTTING LEFTY AND SAMMY INTO POLICE CAR ALONG WITH HALF NAKED MEN AND WOMEN. PEGGY STANDING CLOSE BY WITH GUILTY, BEWILDERED LOOK. LEFTY AND SAMMY TRY TO BREAK AWAY TOWARD PEGGY. POLICE HOLD THEM BACK.

LEFTY

(To cop) If it wasn't for that stupid broad who finked on us, you'd have never found this place.

COP

She didn't fink on you, Lefty. Blame the writer for writing "Call 911, I'm being attacked" in the script."

COP TWO

It wasn't the writer. You're not going to believe this. The crew was on a break and the cameraman's parrot was practicing what to yell in case someone tried to steal it.

LEFTY, SAMMY AND CAST WHIZ AWAY IN POLICE CARS, SIRENS SCREECHING. ALONE, PEGGY WITH FORLORN LOOK.

ACT TWO

D

INT. CHAMPAGNE LIVING ROOM -- EVENING

ANTHONY, MARGO SEARCHING LIVING ROOM WITH MICKEY ZIP. ZIP PICKS UP CLOG OF DIRT FROM FLOOR, STUDIES IT.

MICKEY

Whoever it was, came in from the back yard. I want you two to check through the house one last time, I'll check in the back yard.

EXT. FRONT OF CAMPAGNE HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS

REX ARRIVES HOME, PARKS HIS CAR, SNEAKS AROUND SIDE OF HOUSE.

REX

(To himself) I'm really starting to feel bad about Anthony's guitar. I think I'll go see if the gardeners hauled it away with the dirt. If they didn't, I'll dig it up and put it back where it was.

REX WALKS INTO THE BACK YARD, LOOKS IN DISBELIEF.

REX

Oh, no! Rudy actually finished. The job. I wonder what happened to the guitar.

AS REX LOOKS AROUND FOR THE GUITAR, MICKEY ZIPS WALKS QUIETLY OUT OF THE HOUSE, SEES REX, SNEAKS UP BEHIND HIM, JUMPS ON TOP OF HIM, WRESTLES HIM TO THE GROUND, PUTS HIM IN HANDCUFFS.

REX

Help! Help! I'm being attacked! Someone, call the police!

MICKEY

It never fails. The guilty one always returns to the scene of the crime.

REX

What are you talking about, you idiot! I live here!

INT. CHAMPAGNE HOUSE

MICKEY MANHANDLES REX INTO THE HOUSE.

REX

Let go of me, you half-wit!

ANTHONY

Wait, Mickey. This is my dad.

MICKEY

I'm positive I've seen this man on the 10 Most Wanted TV show.

MARGO

No...he's my husband, Mickey.

MICKEY

Okay, but he looks guilty to me.

MARGO AND ANTHONY STUDY REX.

MARGO

Did you take the guitar, Rex?

REX

Don't be ridiculous! (To Mickey) If you don't let me out of these handcuffs, I'll call the police.

MICKEY

How ya gonna dial, with your teeth?

BEGRUDGINGLY, MICKEY TAKES HANDCUFFS OFF REX.

REX

The gardener probably took the guitar.

ACT TWO

E

EXT. KITCHEN -- NEXT MORNING

REX, MARGO, ANTHONY AND MICKEY ZIP WAIT FOR GARDENER TO ARRIVE, DRINK COFFEE. SFX: BIRDS CHIRPING. REX RUNS TO WINDOW, MICKEY FOLLOWS. MEN LOOK OUT WINDOW.

REX

Oh, look. There's a black and white double-breasted Tuxedo bird.

MARGO

Is he wearing a top hat?

MICKEY

(looks out window) That's not a Tuxedo bird. It's a black and white Penguin bird.

REX

Don't tell me! I belong to the Bird Watchers Club.

MICKEY

Well, you must have O.D. on bird seed because that's a Tuxedo bird.

RUDY THE GARDENER WALKS BY WINDOW CARRYING ANTHONY'S GUITAR.

REX

Here comes the gardener and he's carrying a guitar case. I told you he was the one who stole it.

GARDENER KNOCKS ON BACK DOOR. REX OPENS IT, SMILES.

REX

Come on in, Rudy. Your conscious got the best of you, huh?

RUDY

What are you talking about?

REX

That guitar in your hands. The one you stole from Anthony.

RUDY

Don't be ridiculous. I found it buried in the back yard.

REX

Likely story.

RUDY

Tell me this, if I had stolen it, why would I bring it back?

MARGO

He's got a point, Rex.

MICKEY

Then who buried the guitar in the back yard?

EVERYONE TURNS SLOWLY, LOOKS AT REX. REX QUICKLY TAKES RUDY BY THE ARM, LEADS HIM OUTSIDE TO BACKYARD.

EXT. BACKYARD -- CONTINUOUS

REX

So what do I owe you for the job?

RUDY

Originally, three thousand dollars.

REX

Can I pay you in pesos?

RUDY

Ah, a little ethnic humor. I can handle it since I'm adding three hundred dollars to the bill.

REX

Go eat a burrito and sit on a cactus plant.

RUDY

Ah, more ethnic humor. Let's just say a little bird told me that he saw a certain man with a shovel burying a...

REX PUTS HANDS OVER RUDY'S MOUTH, LOOKS AROUND TO SEE IF ANYONE HEARD, PULLS OUT CHECK BOOK, WRITES FRANTICALLY.

ACT TWO

F

INT. CHAMPAGNE LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT

ANTHONY ON PHONE, MARGO NEXT TO HIM. REX READS NEWSPAPER, TRIES TO LOOK UNCONCERNED, BUT SLIGHTLY APPREHENSIVE.

ANTHONY

...that's the whole story, Mother Cosmos. Do you have any vibes who could have buried my guitar?

INT. MOTHER COSMOS' PSYCHIC FRIENDS TV SHOW - NIGHT

ANGLE ON MOTHER COSMOS AND COLORFUL, FAR OUT, PSYCHEDELIC EPIFANY LIMBO ROCK AND CASSANDRA BIMINI DEEP IN CONCENTRATION.

MOTHER COSMOS

I see a man digging in a yard.

ANTHONY

Who is it? Who is it?

MOTHER COSMOS

I can't see his face right now. His back is to me.

ANTHONY

Can you tell him to turn around?

EPIFANY

Wait. I see the man two, and I can see him from the front. And there's another man watching him.

ANTHONY

What do they look like?

CASSANDRA

They look like...two men.

ANTHONY

I know, but...

CASSANDRA

Wait, his face is starting to come in a little clearer...

EPIFANY

I see his face, too. It seems like I've dealt with this man before.

MOTHER COSMOS

I'm getting some real bad vibes from this image.
I think we'll all be able to see his face in a minute.

REX LOOKS WITH CONCERN, HURRIES OUTSIDE.

EXT. BACKYARD -- CONTINUOUS

REX WITH FLASHLIGHT AT MAIN FUSE BOX, PULLS HANDLE. LIGHTS IN HOUSE GO OUT.

PROLOGUE

INT. CHAMPAGNE KITCHEN -- NEXT MORNING

REX AND MARGO AT BREAKFAST. MARGO READING PAPER.

MARGO

Did you figure out what went wrong with the power last night, Rex?

REX

Just a bad fuse. I took care of it.

MARGO

Good. Well, they busted another one of those X rated studios.
It says, thanks to a naive, young girl and a parrot,
the studio was closed down.

REX

Thank God Peggy isn't exposed to that type of thing.
By the way, where is Peggy?

MARGO

She said she was going to go to some mountain, do Yogi and meditate.

REX

I wish she would get some excitement in her life.

MARGO

Me, too...by the way, I talked to Mother Cosmos. She says that no one on the show
could describe who took the guitar because Venus and Mars were sending out bad vibes.

REX

Too bad. Well...I have to run. Can't keep my patients waiting.
I have to do two face lifts and a nose job on the show today.

REX KISSES MARGO, WALKS HAPPILY OUT THE DOOR WHISTLING. SFX: BIRDS CHIRPING HAPPILY. REX SMILES, THROWS BIRD SEED, BIRDS FLOCK AROUND.

REX

Hello, birdies. Have a good day.

REX GETS IN HIS CAR AND DRIVES OFF AS BIRDS SING. THEME SONG PLAYS.

THE END

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